I’ve been on a show break lately. I figured once I felt a draw to a show and felt like it would actually be fun and not a ritual of torture, I’d make my way back to the Chicago/Indiana scenes. I almost went last night, but I was hungry and don’t have any money so I chose food over the show.

Indiana men have been treating girls like a different species and with total disrespect lately. But that being said one of the final straws wasn’t men being disrespectful it was me not feeling like I belonged. This isn’t just because men aren’t treating women right, it’s because shows represent the normal world and women compete with one another. Girls don’t like each other based on where a man’s affection lies and it’s super fucked up. We shouldn’t look at each other as competition.

I’m as guilty as the next person of occasionally being pissed about this kind of shit. I tried to make friends with a woman who I thought was cool, but who would use our friendship as a way to flirt with my boyfriend and then eventually dismissed my existence. She chose to mark me as her opposition, but I never marked her. I hated her for being that way. But you know what, we’ve been taught to fight over men, it’s not our fault.

That being said, I can’t physically change how each person acts. I can only control what I do. So how the hell am I going to change this? I can say honestly that it’s not by complaining (which I’ve done a lot of lately) but by putting myself out there, and putting the shit that I think out there. Whether that means I am finally going to get moving on the band Shelby, Spooky, Gwen and I wanted to start, or making the zine I’ve wanted to start. I’m not changing it by sitting out and being bummed.

It sucks that girls aren’t represented in the Chicago scene, and that we don’t always feel like we are included or accepted. I don’t think it’s fair how much women have to fight to be a part of a scene but how easily men are accepted. I intend to tell everyone that. Once again though I have to turn around and wonder, am I doing anything that makes it difficult to talk to me? Yes, I’m not very approachable, and I don’t approach others often. I’m super awkward in large groups, I’m awkward if I’m in a small group, but I’m more comfortable in one on one conversations or conversations with three people. I can’t blame people for not wanting to interact with me if I give them no sign that I want to interact with them. Why should they want to talk to me, if I give them no indication that I’d be fun to talk to and not a bummer?

Haha, I’ve been pretty bummed at like the last ten shows I’ve gone too. While I’m bummed because of outside factors, I can’t blame anyone for not thinking I’d be fun to talk to. If I had seen myself I would either 1) not talk to me cause I look like a bummer, or 2) talk to me to try and cheer me up. I don’t want anyone talking to me because they feel sympathy. And I don’t want people not talking to me at all. So that means I’ve got to take myself out of my comfort zone and talk to people and only come to shows when I feel particular good about myself, whether it’s because my ass looks great in dem jeans, I’m feeling sassy, or I’m in a hyper mood. Whatever the reason, I just need to feel confident and not bummed and I think my odds of having a good time are extremely increased. Taking a break was pretty necessary for me to remember how fun I can be, and how good my ass looks in my red jeans.

And after all of that, I still think women are a higher minority in the scene than people with disabilities, or people who aren’t white. If I don’t feel represented in a scene and therefore unable to relate, how the hell does a black person feel walking into a room of all white punks? Punk is full of awkward people, not just me. The North side scene isn’t very diverse at all. It’s not just women. Most venues/house shows are in buildings with a million stairs and therefore not accessible to wheel chairs. I don’t think that the scene is at all sexist or racist or ableist. But our inner awkwardness doesn’t translate into making people feel welcome. Which needs to happen more.

All of the douche bags making judgements and being “scene police” and deciding who is actually part of the scene need to sit down and shut up. And everyone who feels awkward and not included needs to decide. Is this something worth sticking around and feeling shitty about? or Is this something worth contributing to and making better and more inclusive?

Chicago is an insanely diverse city, but it’s extremely divided. There are north side shows, and south side shows, and people need to fucking bring shit together more, otherwise we’re no better than the divided city we live in/around. This does means including people of any and all gender definitions, people of any and all disabilities, people of any and all races, and people of any and all sexual orientations.