foulmouthedliberty:

angels-and-angles:

As defined by urban dictionary, the friendzone is…

“When you are expected to support a girl you really like while she searches for a smarter, richer, and more handsome boyfriend. There is little you can do without feeling like a dick. All in all, one of the meanest things a girl can do, whether they mean it or not.”

and ”The perennial location of nice guys everywhere.”

Although this hypothetical situation could work both ways, friendzone is almost always applied to a man who is rejected by a woman. Therefore, there is something inherently unequal, something inherently sexist about the term “friendzone”. But what and why?

From my experience, this is what friend zone is. A “nice guy” pursues a woman, but isn’t forward with his intentions from the get-go like, say, a “jerk”. The woman is pleased to see a man who is interested in her not as a sexual object but as a human being and wishes for things to stay that way. The man is not satisfied with seeing the woman as a human being because being “expected to support a girl” is a bad deal if she’s not putting out.

Before I delve into the sociological aspects of this, I just want to point out that ”friendzone” is no more pleasant for a woman than it is a man. First, that is to say unrequited love works both ways, but the person who doesn’t return affections is considered mean only when she’s a woman. And second, what option does the woman have in a traditional “friendzone” situation? Just stop talking to a close friend to avoid “leading him on”? In high school, I found out my best friend of 2 years liked me. Having to tell him I didn’t feel the same way and being immediately ex-communicated via Facebook status (“Thanks for wasting my time”) was one of the worst things that ever happened to me. Were our two years of friendship invalid because I didn’t want anything more? Was all our time together really wasted because there was no hypothetical pay off?

Guys who do this and claim to be “nice guys” are the worst misogynists because of their sense of entitlement toward a woman. They make investments in property and expect their dividends. They are fake friends. They are selfish. And they will jump at the chance to vilify you and victimize themselves when their attempts at manipulation don’t work. Clearly, “friendzone” is the remnant of a phenomenon that has plagued women since the beginning of time: women are not independent creatures. Our love lives exist only in the context of a man’s desire. When we make independent decisions, we are subject to a host of derogatory terms. “Slut” is how we vilify a woman for exercising her right to say “yes”. “Friendzone” is how we vilify a woman for exercising her right to say “no”.

I will always reblog this. “Nice guys” manipulate women and then attack them when they don’t respond the way they want. They use the same kind of “grooming” techniques that predators do - they show interest, build trust, use positive reinforcement, and foot-in-the-door techniques to gain trust and access. And when they hear “no,” they are often the guys who act the most vile. I can’t tell you how many “nice guys” utterly dismissed me as a human being when I wasn’t interested in them sexually. I lost more “friends” that way, and as a result learned to never trust male friends, as I assumed they must all have this ulterior motive. I’m still not convinced that my distrust is wrong.

The message, as always, is that a woman’s friendship is not, in and of itself, desirable or valuable. A woman’s trust and friendship are nice by-products of sexual access. If we want a “nice guy” friend, we better learn to trade our bodies for it.

Utter bullshit.

Well sexuality isn’t really this narrow, man seeking woman or woman seeking man. I think this goes both ways, but men are more often taught to “never give up” when it comes to dating a woman and therefore put in the extra effort (aka friendship hours). Women are told “there are plenty of fish in the sea.” Men are more prone to being taught that there is always “the one who got away.” Therefore women move on and continue to look for “the one” and men try desperately not to let a woman be “the one that got away.”

Also who gives a shit if you’re a “nice guy” you’re not the guy I want to bang! But I agree, if that’s someone’s intention for being your friend, they are not a friend. I’ve got my ex-best friend’s list, also known as “people I didn’t want to date list” but mine includes men and women, because every gender does this, it’s not male specific.

It sucks and is absolutely personal when you get rejected, but when you get rejected, instead of thinking you’re not good enough, how about thinking you weren’t good for each other. The shared feelings are what make a relationship great, but if it’s one sided then you wanted them for all the wrong reasons, that person is an idea, a trophy, not your partner.

But I think it’s important not to turn your ex-friends into villains. I think expressing these feelings about trust and intent are important, otherwise they will simply be hurt and never learn that they shouldn’t hide their feelings. Being shy is acceptable, but being angry with the one who doesn’t reciprocate your feelings is wrong. Watch 500 days of summer, that dude blamed a woman for what was going on in his head. But she said “let’s just be friends.”